The Journey Within

In a time in my life when I was just finding my own deep voice and starting to hear the whispers of where that voice came from. I found a place where I was able to grow. With that growth I moved forward walking pathways similar and distant.

But sometimes there comes a time and need to return home and I believe now is when I need to return home I am doing this not only spiritually but physically in October I will be returning to my home town of Oklahoma City, I feel the need to see places of my past.

I suppose in a way it is a journey of remembering who I was, reclaiming that part of myself and renewing who I have become. The mind is an amazing thing it shields us from ourselves until we are able to face the shadows and over the years I have faced many shadows.

I can now embrace those ghost and find peace within myself and even forgiveness, we gain strength and understanding and grow but sometimes we have to go back to move forward. There is a quote from a movie but it has impacting meaning and truth that is part of the deep voice within us all, the quote is; “There is no future until we settle our past.” Shirah (Hebrew My song) Chronicles of Riddick.

This recalls to me the lyrics of a song as well “I will be the answer at the end of the line I will be there.” And “I wont break, I wont bend it will be worth it in the end.”

I like many others, grew up in a time of disposable people, where often the only impact on our lives were of negativity. These actions of verbal, physical, sexual and emotional abuse are all impacting to disempower us, to make us belief we are not worthy, that we should be ashamed, that we somehow deserved the inflictions make us belief we are somehow less then what we are.

We have to basically empower ourselves as Les Brown said “Don’t let the negativity given to you by the world disempower you. Instead give to yourself that which empowers you."

To do this I started my own positive affirmation, turning the negativity into positivity. It’s very easy to see the bad it’s worth the effort to see the good to take back that which others have taken.

To stand in the rain and feel the sunshine, to see the light through the darkness and realize the balance of having both and understanding that we are here for a purpose and it is not by accident, but by that gift of life breathed into each of us. That we can stand, that we have power to make our world different we are the change we want to see in the world. We are each a beautiful shard of light from which the divine shines out into the world.

One of the greatest trials of my life, my healing and growth has been to have to face and forgive not only those who have inflicted the wounds but the wounds I have inflicted upon myself and the guilt of even being able to move past things.

I grew up with an elder sister and three brothers I was right in the middle. Raised in the same home, same parents and yet we each survived by a different means and carry the inflicted wounds a different way.

But often I felt guilty for leaving them behind, when our mother was dying I realized just how much I had left them behind the brief contact I had with my sister and brothers during that period I felt sorry for them they were still in the past they were the children still struggling. I was wounded but I wasn’t a victim and I felt guilty for leaving them behind, I struggled with understanding how we had not each escaped being a victim to the past.

Nietzsche said that “When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you.” I have read it is a warning to not look to long or close at evil, but I found it meant something different to me, I did a painting on this and often I have thought of it when I think of my siblings and wonder if the abyss looks into me what does it see does it see the frightened victim or does it see the wounded but grown me.

I recall telling my older brother who struggles with the wounds that are still fresh for him, drugs, alcohol and violence. That at some point it stops being mama and daddy’s fault, it stops being the world is against me and my life is crap and it starts being our choices. We can curl up in the corner and lick the wounds and say poor me or we can make the choice to heal, to take back ourselves to say enough no more shattered lives but one fresh new brilliant life with a few smudges but whole.

May you find your own true deep voice .
May you live today well.
May you journey within.