Going inside yourself is perhaps the greatest terror a person will face. How well do you know yourself? I have thought on this a great deal lately.
In December 2002 I took a look at the depths of my own self, now I find myself looking yet again into the dark reaches within me.
But I see a difference one of growth, of understanding one of a new strength.
The journey within never ends when you think you have finally gotten the answer some where inside comes a new question, humans are amazing creatures they evolve some over night, some over years and even the very things they thought were settled evolve.
Women are not taught to evolve, their not taught to look at themselves so many never realize that wonder with in themselves or pass this on to their daughters, their sisters, their nieces or to a young woman starting out on her own.
In 2002 the sense of my depth is very different then the evolved sense of my depth of 2006.
the guardian, the beast, the dragon of the labyrinth seems smaller now, or perhaps I'm larger now and those dark paths lighter, easier to venture down, to face and to embrace before they are opened up and cleared away.
" A sense of my depth: from December 2002
"A woman searching for herself, must descend to her own depths... As she decends, a woman touches her strength, a certainty that changes her." ~ Circle of Stones by Judith Duerk
I have thought on this for days it really touched something off inside me, my depths there are many paths much like a labyrinth each one has a face of the phases I have passed through some are sorrowful, some are angry, some are frightening but they are all parts of who I was and where I came from.
And to descend to that depth is to face myself, the strength I touch upon is my spirit(soul). The spirit of the child crying in the night for the pain and betrayal she had been forced to share, the young woman seeking to be more and wanting to belong so much she would conform to be what others wanted, the mother mothering and fearful of making a mistake, the wife wanting to be loved and to love in spite of the differences and the woman learning to live to breath and to embrace her own self.
These are only a few paths in the labyrinth of my depths there have been many turns, many stages these are the easiest to face the other paths also have a guardian and they are kept safe until I can face them which I do gradually.
I recently was fascinated to hear an instructor speak of the guardian we have inside and to even mention it being a dragon he got my attention and then I was frustrated to hear him say we had to destroy this beast.
I am born in the year of the dragon as is my daughter but I feel differently about the dragon then this instructor I don't see the dragon as a beast, my dragon guardian is there protecting my spirit, my secrets and its also there giving me guidance and strength and understanding.
It walks with me in the tunnels of my inner person and I draw upon that strength. I've come to face myself many times and learned what positive I could make from the negative and I've come out stronger so I don't believe in destroying the beast but working with the guardian which is my strength and positive self.
I was not taught to be strong by any woman in my life, and my mother though I saw at times strength in her I saw more often the depression and the self pity of her own life marking and tormenting her always it was "poor me, I never had this or that, no one ever loved me"
Twisted and broken she looked most the time bitter but she past on the negativity easily, words were weapons and if she learned she could hurt you she would. But I learned a valuable lesson from a person who I'm not sure meant to teach me that a woman was an amazing person with strength and could do much more then she ever thought possible I learned this from a man.
A friend who taught me to appreciate being a woman and never let that be used to hold me down, that I had more to me then what the world saw outside.
I think it would have been nice to hear this positive support of being a woman from someone who knew what it was like to be a woman, my mother and I never shared anything with each other not our thoughts, our feels or even who we were.
I have made ever effort to support my daughter emotionally, mentally to share who we are and to encourage her in speaking out, crying out I pass on the Circle of Stones to her and leave it for her to decide but this is a book all women should read mothers should read it with their daughters.
I believe the positive things I have shared with my daughter allow her to share with me and we're stronger for that bond. I think that openness and positive support would have made the walk in the labyrinth my spirit easier because I would have learned earier to face myself and learned sooner to embrace myself to hear my own voice the one of my own truth.
Facing yourself is not as easy as one would think its not always pretty, not always touching and that can be very emotional but in the end its well worth the journey and then you can let it go and move forward or start a new beginning, a time of evolution's growth. "